E03: The Mennonitiche Dispatch - Love is in the Water (3087.06.29)

Editor’s Note:

The Mennonitiche Dispatch is a monthly transmission from Maria Dyck, a former resident of Planet Earth.

Dyck was among a group of people who were banned from Earth because they criticized the Emperor on social media.  Nearly 1,000 families were excommunicated during the Great Shunning-ing of Earth-year 3084.

The cancelled peoples of Earth were banished to Planet Colonia, located 10,000 light-years away. This hostile world is now home to the diaspora of deleted Facebook profiles living in exile.

We hope these transmissions will communicate news of our brethren on Planet Colonia to their loved ones back here on Earth.

Stardate (SD): 3087.06.09

Hello, everyone. I’ll spend another evening with you. Perhaps you’ll find some value in this update.

I’d like to thank Sauron Letkeman for the message.

Letkemen wrote, “Your broadcasts prompted me to reach out. I’m a huge fan!”

I certainly wish they would prompt my former schoolmates and friends to follow my blog, The Mennonitiche Dispatch.

We’re glad to receive letters from Earth, no matter who sends them. Please tell the creditors their cheque is in the mail – they should receive it in 7,000 Earth-years.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Joffrey and Pam Leviathan, the true King of the North, on the birth of their twin boys. Mr. and Mrs. Richard and Lenova Siemens are the proud parents of a baby daughter. There is another new cast member joining The Mennonitiche Dispatch. Mr. and Mrs. Randy and Starla-America-Jones River just had a son. There must be something in the water here because everyone is having babies. 

Daniel Reimer and Mary Boije became engaged on SD.05.06. The bachelorette party was off the hook - they served Virgin Marys!

The wedding was solemnized on SD.05.24 at the Cornholio Boije residence. The bride looked beautiful in her black jersey dress and white-flower corsage. The young couple will live with his mother, Mrs. B. Lebowski.

The weather was dry from the months of Marchand to Mayonnaise. It rained once in all those weeks. We took shelter from the sulfuric acid rain that blesses our existence. There isn’t much left in the garden after it rains, but some people have nice cabbage plants. As for myself, I had such nice ones too, until they were eaten by a plague of insectoid locust scum. The weather is improving. It rains almost every day. I can hear the distant thunder in my nightmares.

Mr. Jason Flaggerty is constructing a terraforming plant. Mr. Mike Stanley and Mr. Alwin Boil from Colonia Steinbach are also planning to build a terraforming plant, but I cannot report on their progress at this time.

Colonists form the Western frontier have bought a goodly amount of oxygen from our local terraforming facilities, but sales have dropped considerably since they built their own.

A dentist came here on SD.06.10. It’s the first time we’ve had a dentist here since dental work became covered under our group health insurance plan – anesthesia still costs extra. The dentist left SD.06.16 for their home in Mordeneia.

There are fewer sick people around here these days. Mrs. Verna Toews is still ill. Mrs. Serena Tide is feeling much better as far as I know. Mrs. Rubica Kahn from Seinfeld Colony went to New Colonia City to get her lips filled.

Mr. Renne Walt also stayed in New Colonia to await his mother. We expect Mrs. Henrietta Walt on SD.06.09 if everything goes well. She’ll have many questions to answer from curious colonists.

Mr. Daniel Reimer, who was our manager at the terraforming plant, resigned. As did Mr. Oculus Tide, who worked at the CO₂ scrubber. The elders voted for Mr. Lenni Walt to fill the vacant management position.

Vlad Narths and Lonny Kettlers are building houses. Raw building materials are more abundant now that we’ve started strip mining the planet.

Well, readers, that’s life on Planet Colonia. My news box is empty, but I’ll see you again next month with more updates.

Until next time,

Long live King Joffrey!

Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-