E05: The Mennonitiche Dispatch - The Very Grave Illness of Mrs. Verna Toews (3087.08.17)

Editor’s Note:

The Mennonitiche Dispatch is a monthly transmission from Maria Dyck, a former resident of Planet Earth.

Dyck was among a group of people who were unsubscribed from Earth for refusing the terms and conditions. Nearly 1,000 families were excommunicated during the Great Shunning-ing of Earth-year 3084.

The cancelled peoples of Earth were banished to Planet Colonia, located 10,000 light-years away. This hostile world is now home to the diaspora of unfriended outcasts living in exile.

We hope these transmissions will communicate news of our brethren on Planet Colonia to their loved ones back here on Earth.

Stardate (SD): 3087.08.17

Dearest friends and relatives of Planet Earth,

We mourn the passing of Mrs. Verna Toews. She died SD.07.02 at the ripe old age of 37, after an illness of seven months. She will be missed by all, including Charlie, the parasitic host that infected her.

Verna Toews (née Plett) was born Earth-year 3047 in Winnipeg, MB, back when “How You Remind Me” by Nickleback was the Canadian national anthem.

Verna married Mr. Melvin Toews on SD.3066.08.06, after the robot wars. Toews was banished from Earth during the Great Shunning-ing to Planet Colonia, where she lived in Altoona Colony with her family.

Toews is survived by her husband, Mr. Melvin Toews, and daughter, Elizaborscht Toews.

Melvin and Elizaborscht are living alone now. The house sure feels empty without mother around.

Mr. Frankie Fish left for Mennotoba SD.07.02 after a vacation to the Grand Beach Hotel and Casino Resort, along the Lake of Fire. It’s a real hell-hole, but Mr. Fish won big-time at the tracks!

About 14 people from Mennotoba came to Colonia Steinbach on SD.07.14, including Lorne Roberts, Victor Fergies, Bill Nylons, and Craig Stanleys. It’s great to see old friends again!

Travelling gets better all the time. Most people take the new teleportation system for public transportation – it’s way faster than horse and buggy.

Waldemar Zazzera went to visit the Western frontier with Lenni Walt and Anatopp Siemens. They took the Oregon Trail and made it all the way to Fort Walla Walla before running out of money.

Mr. F. M. Harder had an accident the other day. He cut his leg off with a lightsaber while trimming the bushes. Mr. Harder is waiting for his robot leg to come in the mail.

People are still building if they can find raw materials. Mr. Mike Stanley built a barn for his flock. Rev. John-Jakob Funk built a new church for his sheeple. Randi River is renovating his kitchen and the Jameson Stanleys are building a new habitat in Campo 9. The Stanleys are still living with Jameson’s mother, Mrs. Grace Stanley.

Terraformation Inc., the colony-owned co-operative that produces oxygen for Colonia Steinbach, had their monthly board meeting on SD.07.14.

Mr. Mort Stanley, Chief Executive Officer, reported 1.2 billion credits in revenue for SD.07.01–SD.07.30, with total expenses listed at 61.3 million credits, resulting in 1.1387 billion credits.

“Profits from last month were well within our projections, despite the accidental fire at our oxygen storage facility,” Stanley said.

A fire broke out at the terraforming plant when a container of pure oxygen exploded. There was minimal damage and no injuries reported.

Terraformation Inc. installed additional remote sensing equipment to further mitigate the risk of accidental fires.

Everyone is glad the terraforming plant is running again.

Mr. Norm Harder and Mr. Jimothy Dyck shot an anomalous blob. The gelatinous jelly had about 25 pounds of rubbery meat that tasted like a car tire.

Mr. Petey Peters saw a xenomorph at the terraforming plant. The xenomorph walked over the road a few steps in front of him, and not at all in a hurry. Petey reportedly shit his pants and ran away.

The starship Schekjbenjel came back today. The Schekjbenjel is our ship that comes and goes to Earth, running errands for us. Everyone rushed for the mail, but very little came. Don’t you people write letters anymore, or do they all get lost in the wormhole?

We were glad to receive a letter from Derick Boil this week. Please write more often. Here’s a shout-out to Mr. Shnodha Nase Turnip. We would gladly read a letter from him.

Some colonists are planning on building a fusion reactor for limitless energy. I’m sure everyone thinks it’s a good idea. Right now, we are burning natural gas from Planet of the Farts.

Mr. Shaan Harder, Rev. John-Jakob Funk, and Mr. Jakob-John Funk went to look over a series 9000 Computron artificial intelligence. These robots can do all the tasks of humans, but slightly less efficiently. It’s like having a third-grader as an assistant – cute, but completely useless. I suppose they’ll buy it if the robot is in good order and not too expensive.

I read Mrs. Blessing Moyo’s letter in the paper. I’m very glad that you are interested in the news. It helps me write the news if I know what people are interested in.

Blessing wanted to know what people eat on Planet Colonia.

Our manna is like potatoes back on Earth. They can be baked, fried, boiled, mashed, fermented, or 3-D printed.

We grow genetically modified corn, wheat, and soy beans engineered to survive the acid rains. Too bad the radioactive soil destroyed last year’s crop. The good Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away.

Meat is very scarce and expensive.  We use just enough to make gravy for our poutine.

Most people have a few super-hens. These 12-foot-tall chickens are basically velociraptors on meth. I'm not sure why the elders haven't banned them since super-hens have already attacked several colonists. But they say he who has hens, has eggs – unless you are Mrs. Ava Kettler, whose super-hens ran away two hours after she got them.

We sometimes get fresh margooth, a tentacled creature with about 250 pounds of meat that is either cooked in a soup or fried.

For sweets, we cook dingleberries into a nice jam. It gives very nice bright red jam. The food spoils quickly on Planet Colonia because the temperature is much warmer here than on Earth.

Well, I have two children, Freddy and Johnny, to take care of and that keeps me busy. They are both whining right now, and then I can’t think straight.

The starship Schekbanjel is departing for Planet Earth tomorrow so the news shall go along with it.

That’s life on Planet Colonia.

Until next time,

Keep fit and have fun!

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-