E04: The Mennonitiche Dispatch - Caught on Kiss-Cam! (3087.07.20)

Editor’s Note:

The Mennonitiche Dispatch is a monthly transmission from Maria Dyck, a former resident of Planet Earth.

Dyck was among a group of people who were banned from Earth for placing the toilet paper roll the wrong way. Nearly 1,000 families were excommunicated during the Great Shunning-ing of Earth-year 3084.

The cancelled peoples of Earth were banished to Planet Colonia, located 10,000 light-years away. This hostile world is now home to the diaspora of toilet-paper-haters living in exile.

We hope these transmissions will communicate news of our brethren on Planet Colonia to their loved ones back here on Earth.

Stardate (SD): 3087.07.20

Greetings from Planet Colonia, the land of milk and honey-mustard chicken fingers.

The summer rains are here. Was it just a day that passed so quickly that another season has come and gone? Almost everyone made it home before yesterday’s torrential downpour of sulfuric acid rain. Jerry was still out in the field when it started to drizzle. He was severely burned before crawling to safety beneath a collapsed bridge. Mr. Jason Flaggerty performed a rain dance, begging the gods to stop the rain.

Mrs. Henrietta Walt, along with her daughter, three sons, and Ms. Suzi Boije arrived in our colony from Earth. My stars! We’re all so glad to see them. Welcome to Planet Colonia, where the food is meh and the jokes aren’t funny. I heard Mrs. Walt found it better here than expected. Walt said, “Why, everyone looks just like I remembered – and all so happy, with smiling faces!” Ms. Boije now goes visiting from house to house, providing health care services where needed. Boije, too, thinks it’s nice here, much like in British Columbia, Canada, but with more farmer hipsters.

Dearest friends and relatives, it feels so good to see some well-known faces after an absence of three Earth-years. Mr. Renne Walt was in Colonia City to greet his mother, who arrived on SD.06.13. Mr. Jameson Stanley and his family moved here from Mennotoba on SD.06.26. They settled in Campo 9 and are currently living with his dad. Frankie Fish of Seinfeld Colony accompanied Mr. Jameson Stanley for a visit. They went to Tim Hortons for coffee.

Mr. and Mrs. Delbergo Boil and their young daughter from Seinfeld Colony travelled to New Colonia City for a doctor’s appointment at Bethesda Hospital. They received medicine for their blisters – still from the time so many colonists suffered from climatic sores. The doctor wants to see them again in two months.

Mrs. Serena Crane suddenly took ill last week. Good thing Ms. Suzi Boije was the nurse on-call. She gave Mrs. Crane some bear fat to help with her ghosts. Mrs. Serena Tide suffered a stroke on her left side. She’s much better now. Mr. Colin Boil has been in bed for several weeks – not because he’s sick or anything. He just doesn’t want to work.

Mr. and Mrs. F. U. and Norma Jean Harder went on vacation to Yantzeed. They smuggled back quite a few contraband Simpsons DVDs.

Mr. and Mrs. Kenny and K-Town Harder are visiting here from the Western frontier.

Mr. Jason Flaggerty had quite a snap in Colonia City. He bought a pallet of handheld plasma laser cutters at the thrift store. They’re very scarce, but much cheaper than importing them from Canada – we don’t have to pay GST here.

Mr. Peter-Peter-Peter Peters, son of Mrs. Peter-Peter Peters, got engaged to Anita Hellyah, daughter of Mr. Don Hellyah. Their wedding will take place on SD.07.01 at Campo 9. I’m bringing my famous potato salad.

Mr. and Mrs. Jared and Cheryl Selanne are still happy and working hard, even though they’re older than Noah. They recently received a gift of geriatric socks from their children in Grunthal, Manitoba, Canada. Now they can stop complaining their children never call.

We have a new boss at the terraforming plant. The CEO of Terraformation Co., Mr. Daniel Reimer, resigned in disgrace after the kiss-cam caught him having an affair with Ms. Panterah Crang, Director of Human Resources. A new CEO has been appointed. Mr. Mort Stanley will start in two weeks. Maybe he’ll read the employee handbook’s section on ethics.  

Mr. and Mrs. F. U. and Norma Jean Harder’s five-year-old son, Elvin, climbed a 48-50 ft. dingleberry tree. Everybody knows what a dingleberry tree is. It has a long, smooth shaft with a tuft of furry hair at the top. Elvin was planning to cut off the whole bunch of dingleberries with his pocket knife. But once he got to the top, Elvin realized he needed two hands - one to open the knife, and the other to keep from falling. He managed to throw down lots of dingleberries to his brothers and sisters before sliding down the tree. His legs were a little bruised, but he was otherwise okay. When his mother heard what happened, a shiver crept up her spine. She told them never to do it again.

Mr. F. U. Harder and my husband, Jimothy Dyck, recently shot a big margooth. The tentacled creature had about 250 pounds of delicious meat. The two were happy boys when they saw their luck.

There was a fire at the terraforming plant last week. A spokesperson for Terraformation Co. issued the following statement:

“We confirm that a fire occurred at our terraforming plant in Colonia Steinbach, following the unexpected explosion of a tank containing pure oxygen.

“Thanks to our advanced autonomous fire suppression system – supported by heat-reactive, compartmentalized containment protocols – the fire was quickly extinguished, resulting in minimal damage.

“We are grateful that there were no injuries. A full investigation is underway to determine the cause of this incident. Terraformation Co. is committed to the safety of our personnel and community. We implement industry best practices for emergency preparedness across all operations. 

“We thank the community for your patience as we work to restore full services.”

Terraformation Co. expects to restore full services before the new CEO starts.

What’s the matter with you people on Earth? Don’t you write letters anymore – or do they also get lost in the wormhole? I guess that’s life on Planet Colonia.

Until next time,

This transmission is sponsored by Whup-Whup Cola. Here’s a little whup-whup to all my peeps!

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-