E06: The Mennonitiche Dispatch - The Planet of Family Values (3087.09.21)

Editor’s Note:

The Mennonitiche Dispatch is a monthly transmission from Maria Dyck, a former resident of Planet Earth.

Dyck was among a group of people who were banned from Earth for bringing children into this cruel, cruel world. Nearly 1,000 families were excommunicated during the Great Shunning-ing of Earth-year 3084.

The cancelled peoples of Earth were banished to Planet Colonia, located 10,000 light-years away. This hostile world is now home to the diaspora of illegal mothers and fathers living in exile.

We hope these transmissions will communicate news of our brethren on Planet Colonia to their loved ones back here on Earth.

Stardate (SD): 3087.09.21

Friends, relatives, and readers,

The starship Schekjbenjel took colonists to do maintenance on our public teleportation system. Our new transit system beamed several colonists to random receivers throughout the planet. One colonist was de-particle-ized in Altoona and partially re-assembled at two different destinations. There must be a glitch in the code. It sucks we have to delay BINGO night for a few days.

People are butchering pigs more frequently. Mort Stanley butchered on SD.08.03. We recently butchered a pig and got about 30 litres of lard.

Jerry recently became sick with chillular coldenitist, a common ailment when the weather changes. This affliction causes violent, uncontrollable shivers. He was incapacitated for several days until the plague passed.

Mr. Randi River is in Colonia City on medical leave. He intends to stay at the five-star, all-inclusive Grand Beach Hotel and Casino Resort for one month, until his sprained eyelid is healed. Mrs. Starla-Jones-River suspects that he’s faking it.

A man who owns land yant zeed[1] is building a starship docking bay. The space flight from Earth now flies directly to Colonia Steinbach. This convenient new route allows people from Earth to bypass the stargate layover, where time stands still and a tuna sandwich costs $27.

Candance Harder, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Herman and Zahara Harder, got engaged to Jason Flaggerty. The engagement party was held SD.08.05 at the Harder residence. The engaged couple served a faspa[2] of buns, cookies, peanut butter, jam, and coffee.       

The wedding took place on SD.08.12 at the Harder residence. Tickets to the wedding event sold out in 30 minutes. The bride and groom served cabbage soup, buns, jam, cakes, cookies, and coffee.

Mr. and Mrs. Candance and Jason Flaggerty moved to their new habitat in Campo 9. They went to New Colonia City to cash in their wedding registry credits. The items on their registry included:

• Food replicator: A device that 3-D prints any meal, using nutrient powders, liquid ingredients, and life enhancement serums.

• Self-destructing plates, which vaporize into nano-plastics, eliminating the need to do the dishes

• A wardrobe that comes with a pocket dimension plug-in for extra storage. The extra closet space is the size of a shopping mall.

Jason Flaggerty took the Schekjbenjel and brought some colonists to Neudorp Colony for a visit. Mrs. Leigh-Anne Fischbach and her daughter went with to see the nurse in Neudorp. It was darker than the inside of a coffin by the time they got home Moonday evening.

Several colonists from Mennotoba took the public teleportation system to do business here.

Viktor Hellyah and their family took in two of Cory Zazzera’s children. The children were left motherless after Mrs. Nice Zazzera died in a freak crocheting accident. The youngest two children went to live with Cory’s mother in Mordeneia.

Rev. John-Jakob Funk returned from a missions trip on SD.08.04.

The weather has been sunny for some time now. We had a terrible winter blizzard on SD.08.01. The storm lasted several days, and then we had summer temperatures again. Our seasons change from one day to the next. We could have freezing cold winter weather on Moonday and scorching hot summer weather by French-fry-day. The constantly changing weather patterns make it difficult to grow crops. Today is SD.08.27 and the weather is cool with intermittent showers of sulfuric acid. We fear the unwelcome death rain on Planet Colonia.

Dean Kettler converted an old starship into a plow. He is currently plowing the neighbour’s wife, Mrs. Landy Pattelli – but, you didn’t hear that from me!

That’s life on Planet Colonia.

Until next time,

Visit Colonia, the planet of family values.

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-

[1] Plautdietsch phrase meaning “the other side.”

[2] Plautdietsch reference to a “light afternoon or evening meal.”